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A Year in Review …

December 28, 2013

I find myself finishing out this year just how I started it: frustrated, confused, lost, angry, and disoriented.  Frustrated that I haven’t gotten far in my walk with Christ.  Confused about where I’m going with my career.  Lost in a myriad of emotions over relationships that went wrong this year.  Angry that I haven’t used my time to love people better.  And disoriented as to where to go next.

This year I was stripped of a lot of things I thought could hold me together, among them: relationships that I thought meant something, and a ministry I thought could bring me closer to Christ.  In a lot of ways I feel more frustrated than I did when I was in high school.  (For those of you who really knew me in high school, you’ll remember the frustrating hours of practicing and homework).  I thought that “doing the right things for the right reasons” instead of just “doing the right thing” blindly, would make me love doing the “right thing.”  Instead, it has made me resentful, more confused, and pained.  I’m realizing that I do a lot of things just because I think I should or because I feel it’s right, without even thinking.  And I do a lot of things I shouldn’t, even though I know the outcome will be bad.

At the end of the day though, I justify a lot of things through entitlement.  And that’s where I’ve gone wrong this year.    All of my frustration, confusion, anger, and disorientation has come from a place of entitlement.  Thinking that I deserve anything less than death has left me in a place where I believe that I deserve everything.

Reading through my first blog on this site, I spanned emotions from disappointment in myself, to joy that I could ever feel that way about living for Christ.  It’s funny because I was probably feeling a lot of the same emotions at the time, but saw so many opportunities to live the way I wanted in my previous job and ministry, and so I still had the joy of my first love with Christ.

It’s easy to be retrospective at the end of the year, but I think that’s OK.  I think it’s hard to make changes in patterns and habits that we have so deeply engraved in our hearts.  But if we choose joy in Christ and in the victory on the Cross, can we really ever say that we have lost?  I want the love of Christ and the joy that He has to be engraved in my heart. (Hebrews 10:16).

I want to continue to live the Nun Life.  This past year has felt like a waste, but that would be saying that everything that God crafted for me was a waste, and I know that’s not true.  I have learned more about myself, God, and others, than I thought possible.  It has made my heart ache for what God has for me that I know I’m missing out on and not choosing, and it has made my heart ache for those who don’t know love and don’t have hope.  This year I want my Nun Life to be about joy and hope and presence with Christ.  

I also want to blog more.  Here’s to hoping.

Camden Library

John and I on the hill outside the library in Camden, Maine.

Camden Harbor

The view of the harbor from the library in Camden, Maine.

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