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You Are Where Your Heart Is

March 8, 2013

I travel a lot.

Relatively speaking.

So far this year I’ve been to Atlanta, Palm Beach, Pittsburgh, and Boston.

(to name the further destinations … I’ve been a bunch of places in VA as well)

And tomorrow I’m heading up to Maine.

Atlanta, FL, Pittsburgh, and Medway

Atlanta, FL, Pittsburgh, and Medway

What I’ve realized through all my traveling (this year, and in years prior), is that being somewhere different doesn’t equal feeling different.  I think sometimes I go searching for myself somewhere else, when really I just need to do some digging in my heart.  When I say somewhere else, I don’t necessarily mean even geographically somwhere, just any time I try to look for life and joy in things that I know won’t give me that.  Reading books, watching TV shows, listening to music (this is a big one for me, I am always listening to something, I feel like I can’t do anything without music) are just a few of the things that come to mind.  Two or three weeks ago I decided I needed a ‘bigger’ trip to get my mind away from Fredericksburg, which is why I’m up in Boston and Maine this weekend.  There are so many distractions in Fredericksburg, and I don’t often give myself the chance to face my demons there.  Instead I mask them with keeping myself busy.  There’s a line in one of my favorite Twenty One Pilots song, Car Radio, that says, “There is no distraction to mask what is real.”  I think there’s a lot of truth to that.  I think we try to distract ourselves from the fear in our lives.  There’s another line in the same song: “We’re all battling fear.”  I think those two go hand in hand: we’re terrified, so we keep ourselves distracted, only to realize that no distraction can’t mask what we’re terrified of.  I’m terrified of a lot of little things, like anyone else would be (spiders, anyone?).  But I have bigger fears too.  I’m terrified of my life not amounting to anything.

  I’m terrified of not leaving a legacy.

  I think that the way I deal with this fear is by making myself busy, because obviously the busier I am and the more I do – the more I try to distract myself from this fear – the more meaning my life will have, and the bigger legacy I’ll leave.  I’ve found meaning in busyiness and I don’t like it.  I’ve found meaning in being a lot of different places and knowing a lot of different people, and I think my life has gotten complicated and has spiraled a little bit out of control.  So this trip I’m currently on … Well, currently snowed in at my parent’s house in Medway … I think has forced me to realize that my life has taken me down this path where I think everyone is a part of some elaborate scheme to keep me busy and distracted from my fear of not amounting to anything.  When really I just need to see what I’m in and be in it and be present and I probably wouldn’t have as much of an issue.  I’ve known for a while now, that there’s no way for my heart or mind to be changed by where I am, but there’s so much in our culture that says otherwise, I think I’ve been convinced that it’s partly true.

Regardless, I’ll be driving up to Lincolnville tomorrow, to get in some quiet.  My biggest reason: there’s no internet, TV, or 3G up there … it’s harder to distract myself from what I want to get done, and more importantly, what I want my heart to be about. I’m becoming more and more convinced that I am where my heart is … and right now my heart hurts, but it’s hurting less and less as I go.

One Comment leave one →
  1. March 9, 2013 12:35 pm

    Your legacy is in the lives you’ve touched. And you’ve touched many already.

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