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Only One Way to a Full Life

January 17, 2013
Sunrise in FL on my last morning there.

Teach me how to see when I close my eyes
Teach me to forgive and to apologize
Show me how to love in the darkest dark
There’s only one way to mend a broken heart

Take me to the place where I feel no shame
Take me where the courage doesn’t need a name
Learning how to cry is the hardest part
There’s only one way to mend a broken heart

I want to close my eyes and know I’m safe.  I want to learn how to walk and run with my eyes closed, without having to stare.  I want to learn how to forgive.  I want to forgive the people who hurt me this year.  I want to forgive myself.  I want to learn how to apologize.  I want to apologize to the people that I hurt this past year.  I want to love through the darkest dark. I want to love my family and my friends.  I want to love those around me well.  I want to recklessly love Jesus with all I have.  I don’t want to feel like loving Jesus is 10 minutes reading My Utmost in the morning when I remember to read my Bible at night.  I want to love through the darkest dark.  I want to love what no one else will love.  I want Jesus to mend my broken heart.  I want to wear my broken heart on my sleeve and look at it and say, “Yeah, I was there, and Jesus brought me back.”  I want to remember every day that I have a new heart.  That Jesus gave me life.  I was dead, and Jesus gave me life.  There’s only one way to find a full life.

I don’t want to feel ashamed.  I want to live a transparent life.  I want my life to be an open book.  I want to look at the things I’m doing and know why I’m doing them.  I want to be courageous in everything I do.  I want to look at my life and say, “There’s no way I could/would do that except that I know that Jesus is in that, and I have courage in Christ.”  I want to learn how to cry.  I don’t let my emotions out, but being emotionally vulnerable is the only way to connect with people.  I want to be real.  I want people to know where I’m from.  I want people to know where I am now.  There’s only one way to find a full life.

I want to live this year recklessly in love with Jesus.  I want to live the song “Beautiful Dawn” by the Wailin’ Jennys.  It’s definitely a secular song, but when I listen to it, I feel like it mirrors a lot of my relationship with Christ. I feel like after deciding to pursue Christ, I wasn’t sure Christ could be enough, so I found other loves.  I don’t want to live that life anymore.  I want to live a free life in the grace of Christ.  Christ died for my freedom, not so I could be enslaved to other things in my life.  I don’t want to chain myself to anything but the Cross.  The Cross is enough.  I want to live that.  I want to live what I believe.  I don’t want other loves in my life.  Only Jesus. There’s only one way to find a full life.

~

While I was on vacation in Florida last week I had some time to write.  It was right after New Years, after I had been to Passion (I’ll hopefully blog about this later, it was an amazing experience) and I wanted to write a sort of New Years’ Resolution essay.  Instead of a list of things I wanted to accomplish this year (although I have that too), I wrote how I wanted to live the year.  I’ll warn you in advance this feels a little raw, but necessary.  I’d love to know what you think.  I had been listening to the song “Beautiful Dawn” by The Wailin’ Jennys and I sort of went with it … take it for what it is.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Jack permalink
    February 5, 2014 12:15 am

    First I am sorry your heart was broken. I wish you hinted at what the cause but no matter. My heart was broken by a woman. The lyrics of the song seem to describe what heaven could be like. A broken heart is a terrible feeling. All the why? How’s? And endless questions of what went wrong that constantly torment you. Like you want to just curl up and die … And goto heaven. It’s an anguish that drives you to start again, sort of a rebirth. My experience changed my outlook on life. I wanted to do things I would have never done before. I think you wrote something about courage. Let me let you in on Something I learned about courage. I stress over doing something new or being open and transparent to others. Society trains us to build up courage to overcome the stress and fear of doing something brave. Well I think it’s the wrong way. I just say do it. Do it without thinking. Because what I have found is that you get the courage after doing it. Does that make sense? We are all afraid of the unknown, not knowing what could happen, then not knowing how to react. I was afraid of roller coasters. I could fall out, could crash, have something hit me. Well while waiting in line, my palms got sweaty, my heart raced faster, my breath short and shallow. And it all intensified as I got closer to the start. I got on the ride and was thrilled. After it was over I got out and walked away. A feeling of calmness came over my body. Wow I wanted to go again. So actually doing the fearful thing gave me the courage to no longer be afraid.

    So it seams that in your writing you are looking for that freedom to be exposed, courage to be judged and have it roll right off by forgiveness. I would just make one suggestive word change and that is recklessly. I would use thoughtfully. Going back to the roller coaster. It is after all somewhat dangerous. it would be reckless for me to hop in and not use a seatbelt. Remember Jesus helps those who help themselves. So I recognize the danger and be thoughtful in being safe.
    Peace

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